Анекдоты.

 1. Latex factory.

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various * latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples *. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold*," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking* a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured*. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

various *- различный, разнообразный

baby-bottle nipples *-соски для детских бутылочек

mold*-  форма для отливания

poke*-протыкать, проделывать дырку

manufacture*- производить

  

A man was being interviewed for a job...

A man was being interviewed for a job.

"Were you in the service *?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine*," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability*."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade* go off between my legs and I lost both testicles*."

"You're hired*. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment* because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls * trying to decide what to do first."

in the service *- ( зд) служить, нести воинскую службу

a partial disability *- частичная недееспособность

a grenade*- граната

testicles*- (мед) яички

treatment*- (зд) отношение

balls *- см. "testicles" на жаргоне

  

It's not a big deal, but it feels good

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra*. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties*. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick* is two inches * longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

 bra*- бюстгалтер

panties*- трусы

dick*- (жарг)  мужской половой член

inch *- дюйм

  

What marketing is

Now I understand what marketing is:

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach * her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very good in bed". That is Advertising.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Telemarketing .

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory* by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?" That is Customer Relationship Management.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up* her bag when it falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed". That is Public Relations.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed". That is BRANDING!!

approach *- подходить, приближаться

refresh  sb's  memory*- освежить память кому-либо

pick up*- (зд) подхватить, поднять

  

An easy solution

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached * a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested* that she move to coach* since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant* asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit* and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered* in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling* to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced* her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

approach *- подходить, приближаться

request*- спрашивать

the flight attendant*- стюардесса

cockpit*- кабина пилота

whisper*- шептать

mumblе*- бормотать

convince*- убеждать

  

A guy is screwing a great looking blonde...

A guy is screwing * a great looking blonde. The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS *have you?" He replies, "No." She responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that!! I don't want to get that again...!"

screw *- 1. отвертка

              2. отвинчивать

              3. (зд) (жарг) заниматься сексом

AIDS * - СПИД

 

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven...

Four nuns* arrived at the gates of heaven*. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:"I have to confess*, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water*, wash your hand and go in."

The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in.

Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart*, asks *What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle*, before she washes her ass in there.

nun*- монахиня

heaven*- (зд) рай

confess*- признаться, исповедоваться

holy water*- святая вода

pull sb apart*- развести в стороны, разнять

gargle*- полоскать рот

Fair Punishment

Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not! Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!

 

An offense

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically * through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads* stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.

Then I had to drive mу friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know.

Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled* around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed *, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly *, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me ?!?"

 

erratically *- неравномерно, неровно, шатаясь

lads*- (разг) парень, молодой человек

fumble*- нащупать

sigh *- вздохнуть

Indignantly *-  с негодованим, возмущенно

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Наш центр "Магистра"

XVI Весенняя Международная конференция Macmillan

Разговорный клуб с американцами

От Сердца к Сердцу. Ноябрь 2015